Ratto: The Draft, and other nightmares

33 predictions from the final guaranteed event of the sports year

Ray Ratto
April 23, 2020 - 9:39 am

The bug zapper that is the NFL Draft is our last have-to-have-it moment of the sporting year because everything else on our mythical calendar is negotiable to the point of being negligible. Two hundred fifty-five names are spoken, and then we say, "Well, what are we supposed to do with these?"

Well, help is on the way, if that's what you want to call it.

1. Three general managers will be fired after the draft because the owner wanted to squeeze the last bit of work out them before they were told to clear out of the office they haven't been in in a month.

2. There will be documentaries made of the 2020 Mr. Irrelevant, the last player taken on Saturday. In fact, teams should try to trade down to get that pick for the publicity value alone.

3. There is a great likelihood that nobody from this draft class can ever be named Rookie of the Year, since there may not be any games until next year and they'll all be second-year pros by then.

4. Jerry Jones will get a show on Fox because as the league's leading attention whore, he'll want one.

5. Bill Belichick will be recast as the new Jerry Krause even though he didn't break up his dynasty, which lasted more than twice as long as as that of the Chicago Bulls.

6. There will be fewer dogs on screen than F-bombs out your speakers.

7. Judy Battista of NFL Network will be the first person on set to put her head on her desk in paralyzing despair and begin moaning indecipherably.

8. Roger Goodell will be disappointed to learn how little money the league generated with their Pay To Boo The Boss campaign, but we won't be disappointed to learn how much he will pander to make other people pay for things of no value.

9. 49er fans will hail Kyle Shanahan as a genius god, but only if he takes a wide receiver.

10. If the 49ers do not get a pick on Day 2, local ratings for the draft will be less than a Homes Under The Hammer marathon.

11. Frank Caliendo will be asked to analyze the Raiders' draft.

12. The nation's morale will not be raised by the draft, and it will not sink when the draft ends.

13. Ryan Pace will announce after trading up to get Tua Tagovailoa that Mitchell Trubisky is still the Chicago Bears' starting quarterback.

14. Jon Gruden will announce after trading up to get Tua Tagovailoa that he still loves Nathan Peterman.

15. The Cleveland Browns will introduce their new pick by boasting about the uniform redesign.

16. The Patriots will make their pick and then refuse to tell anyone who it is.

17. When told by the league office that they have to release the name of the pick, the Patriots will trade out of the draft entirely so that they can have 18 picks in the 2021 draft, and some reporters will speculate that Belichick and Bob Kraft already know the 2020 season will be canceled.

18. Bill O'Brien will refuse to take phone calls from the Arizona Cardinals.

19. Pete Carroll will let Steve Kerr make the Seahawks' seventh-round pick.

20. Steve Kerr will select Draymond Green with that pick.

21. One of the picks will have an incriminating Instagram released before the end of Thursday night.

22. Rob Gronkowski will watch the draft in a loincloth and miner's helmet.

23. People will eventually tire of the Dave Gettleman-as-Fred Flintstone jokes and move on to the Dave Gettleman-as-Barney Rubble jokes.

24. Chargers general manager Tom Telesco will wear an all-powder blue ensemble at the insistence of Dean Spanos, and people will recoil in horror.

25. Seattle general manager John Schneider will be cited by city inspectors for not getting permits for the reconstruction of his house.

26. Schneider will remodel his house back to its original form on Monday.

27. Detroit general manager Bob Quinn will be unable to work Saturday when the Winnebago in his driveway with the IT guy inside is towed at the behest of an angry neighbor.

28. Michael Jordan will make a pick for the Panthers with an empty glass beside him, leaving us to make the obvious conclusion.

29. The hottest rumor on Sunday will be how the 49ers are still discussing Tom Brady.

30. Antonio Brown. Just that. Antonio Brown.

31. Four teams will go over their allotted time. On Saturday. When nobody cares.

32. The Cincinnati Bengals will pass on their second pick because, "We got Burrow. We're good. And what do you mean we have to do this again Saturday? We have a virtual barbecue scheduled."

And a compensatory choice to the first jackwagon who says, "We're on the clock for the first pick of next year's draft." Because we all live in hell.

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