Fortenbaugh: Make Giants baseball interesting again

Who cares about the projections? We’ll make this a fun season by taking matters into our own hands

Joe Fortenbaugh
March 28, 2019 - 10:07 am

Where most see a problem, the enlightened see an opportunity.

Rather than permit Major League Baseball’s various projection systems a chance to throw a wet blanket over your interest in the 2019 San Francisco Giants, let’s take matters into our own hands and ensure a compelling baseball campaign regardless of win/loss record.

I refuse to stand idly by while the iconic Bruce Bochy commences his final managerial campaign flirting with last place in the National League West. Therefore, I’m taking it upon myself to sprinkle some additional interest onto the 2019 season.

The Challenge: I, Joseph Harrison Fortenbaugh IV, will place one and only one wager on each of San Francisco’s 162 regular season games this season and, in the process, will guarantee to turn a profit.

If I win: No surprises here. I’ll exude class and humility just like I do each and every day.

If I lose: I’ll host a portion of the radio show hooked-up to a pregnancy simulator following the conclusion of the 2019 season. The duration is yet to be determined. I’d like to survive at least an hour, but I have to speak with some trained professionals first. I’d say 15-20 minutes at a bare minimum. Don’t worry, I promise you’ll get your money’s worth. If 95.7 The Game/Entercom agrees, we’ll stream it live online.

Additional criteria: Bet announcements and recaps will take place at approximately 9:45 am each morning, Monday to Friday, on 95.7 The Game. However, because injuries and lineup announcements/changes, etc. take place later in the day, I reserve the right to make my final bet announcements via Twitter @JoeFortenbaugh prior to first pitch. If a bet fails to be announced before first pitch both on the “Joe, Lo & Dibs” morning show as well as on twitter @JoeFortenbaugh, that particular game will be deemed a 1-unit loss.

Additional criteria Part II: All betting options are on the table. Moneyline wagers on/against the Giants, over/unders, first 5-inning wagers, etc. Caveat: One and only one wager may be placed on each game. No more, no less.

Additional criteria Part III: I am permitted to choose from 1 of 3 levels of wagering for each bet:

1-unit

2-units

3-units

For this challenge, 1 unit will be defined as $100.

Example: As of the time of this writing, the Giants are listed at +110 for their season opener against the San Diego Padres. That means:

1-unit wager: $100 bet to win $110

2-unit wager: $200 bet to win $220

3-unit wager: $300 bet to win $330

The reason for the cap at 3 units is to prevent a situation in which I am down so much at the end of the season that I make a $50,000 wager on the Giants in order to get back to even. I refuse to allow myself cheap loopholes to avoid the pregnancy simulator.

I think that about covers it. For those who think this write-up is too excessive, keep in mind the fact that the Declaration of Independence is 1,458 words, while this article is just 526 words.

You’re welcome. God Bless America and God Bless the San Francisco Giants.

Unless I’m betting against them.

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